Old work rediscovered

Production Meetings for The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

Producer One: Who can we get to close out the movie with an inspirational pop song linking the Magical world of Narnia to 1940s London?
Producer Two: OMG, we like, sooo need to get Regina Spektor?
Producer Three: Doesn't she write songs about manic-depressive women and drug abuse?
Producer Four: God, it's Perfect.

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Screenwriter One: So, after everything is done, and the human soldiers are slaughtered wholesale by a veritable freakshow of mythical creatures they (the humans) have been told don't exist slash (/) are evil, Caspian is crowned king and the humans, (who have lost their sons and husbands to the Narnians, who themselves were also slaughtered by those very same soldiers) join hands and experience totally perfect racial integration.
Screenwriter Two: Exactly.
Producer One: Wow. That is so true to life. This is why you fellas are in the movie biz.

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Director: Right, even though it's his land of Narnia, filled with loyal Narnians who love him and are being ruthlessly murdered by an oppressive force as they attempt to fight for their land and freedom, Aslan (Remember guys, this is All-E-Gory, he's not actually Aslaaaan...), well, Aslan refuses to come help them until the Pevensie children blindly go looking for him in the middle of a forest, and then he gets angry and makes them apologize for not blindly following him earlier. Only then does he stop the genocide being committed upon his people.
Screenwriter One: C.S. Lewis was such a visionary.
Director: Guys, I'm so proud of you, this is really going to resonate with Christian audiences and help kids come to love 'Aslan' and want him in their hearts. Because they should. If not, they're going to burn in hell and regret it FOREVER.

(Meanwhile, outside in the hall:)

Random Eavesdropper One: Golly-Gee-Willikers, I never thought of it like that. I certainly don't want to burn in hell! Thanks, C.S. Lewis, you are the bee's knees!
Random Eavesdropper Two: Man, why didn't I learn from the FIRST movie?

(He runs to the nearest restroom to look at himself in a mirror, sobbing and smashing his face against it.)

Random Eavesdropper Two: STUPID FAT COW! WHY CAN'T YOU LOVE ASLAN! LOVEASLANLOVEASLANLOVEASLAN YOU FUCKING FREAK! YOU PATHETIC FAILURE!!!! I SHOULD JUST CUT MYSELF! I'M NOT WORTHY OF ASLAN'S LOVE!
(He picks up a shard of mirror glass. There is blood everywhere.)

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Director: Also, even though its not anywhere in the book, since Susan Pevensie is like twelve and Caspian is like eighteen, we should let them have a fling. If Warren Jeffs can do it, then by golly, SO CAN WE!

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(In the theatre, after the first showing:)

Audience Member: The film on my teeth after a three-day drunk has more cinematic value than what we just watched.